It’s been foggy

So, I know it’s been a week since I said I was going to be posting “every other day,” and I have yet to do so.

It’s been hard, this week. I’ve been foggy and unsure as to why I can’t seem to prioritize the things I want (and know I need) to do that keep me going.

It might be the weather. It might be me. But it might, in fact, be both.

I’m sad to see how distracted I get, to recognize how cluttered my mind is and not know what to do with it. And I freeze.

Where do you begin when it seems like it’s too much to start? When the answer is not easy?

This morning’s thoughts.

Know thyself

Here are a couple of things about me that I’ve learned in these last two years that, for the most part, are true:

  1. Whenever I say that I’m “trying” to do something (i.e. trying to eat healthier), it actually means I’m just thinking about the idea, not actually doing it.
  2. However, whenever I say that I’m “thinking about” doing something (i.e. thinking about joining a gym), it actually means I’ve made up my mind to do so but have yet to implement it.

It’s confusing, I know, but this is how I roll.

With that said, I’ve been trying to come up with a weekly system for sharing things on my blog and have been thinking about creating a basic daily schedule for my creative projects.

In other words, I have yet to figure out how often I’m going to be sharing and the time of day when I’ll be sharing them.

As of now, I have the tendency to write toward the end of the day, but (as you might have guessed) it tends to interfere with my sleep schedule. And although it would be ideal to wake up and immediately start writing, it’s not realistic.

So, all that is to say that I’m going to be posting at least every other day in order to keep sharing and keep work flowing. I had yet to be clear about it and thought now would be the opportune time.

All I know is, there’s a lot to write about.

I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the emperor's groove…

It’s 2:30 a.m., and I’ve literally been drafting this post for the last three and a half hours. I’ve held on for this long to ensure that I at least post something.

Despite having a running list of things to share, fear has been getting the best of me. It’s been like this since the beginning of December, which is worrisome. I’m working on dismantling it.

It’s time to face it

I was walking toward the train station at Fairbanks St. yesterday when I looked up to the sky to reflect on an idea coming to mind: I think I need to “come out” to myself about my creative life.

The thought was in reference to Jerry Before Seinfeld, when Jerry jokes about his experience of “coming out” to his parents about wanting to become a comedian.

On the night his parents first see him perform, Jerry reflects:

I was so nervous that night, because I was showing them this whole side of myself, it was like my little gay-closet moment, you know, where I had to say, “Mom, Dad, I’m…I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m a funny person.”

Jerry jokes about now wanting to have a “funny lifestyle” and having “funny friends.”

Although I have creative projects here and there (most of which I don’t finish) and post elements of them on Instagram, I still lack the internal “oomph” to own that creativity is a (big) part of my life.

I surround myself with colors and things that inspire me, yet I feel like I haven’t fully embraced this part of myself. I feel like I haven’t really let myself go.

And that’s what I’m missing.

Admitting, accepting, and acting on the fact that I’m a “creative person” (as Jerry might put it) would only bring more beauty to this world.

So why not share it?