drawing

Off to the post

Sharing has been tough. I’m not sure why. My anxiety is creeping up again as I write. But here goes.

My version of a post card. I was pleasantly surprised.

I sent a post card off to a friend today. She offered to send a drawing to anyone who wanted one. I signed myself up to receive and to give. I figured it would be good to swap art since I haven’t been drawing lately.

I designed her post card last week and sat down to draw it last night (which I’ll share once she receives it). Coincidentally, I received her card today: a drawing of a bottle of Cholula hot sauce. Brilliant.

And the best part? The “bonus content” she sent me. There’s something beautiful about insignificant sketches and color swatches; they’re my favorite part of drawing. Never mind the finished result. Show me the doodles of how you got there. My friend knows me well.

Thank you, L.E., for taking the time to draw and send these to me. It pushes me to keep going and to have fun with it—thank you.

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Insecurity

Shadow shows

I pictured myself underwater, the skies dark, as I swam toward something that I knew was an anchor. I reached for it and pulled myself toward it knowing, feeling as though it was the only thing I had left.

In these last two months, I have felt alone, sad, frustrated, full of grief. Each feeling adding on to the next, anger being the most recent. Even with things that I thought would excite me, like having time to draw, my motivation has been low. Everything feels pointless, meaningless almost.

I’ve tried for the last few weeks to keep things “light,” intentionally staying away from referring to the pandemic and sharing how it has been affecting me personally. It was my way of keeping things positive, a way of not adding another burden to whoever read my blog or came across my posts.

But the more I operated out of that mindset, the more I felt like a phony. It didn’t matter whether I shared somber or genuinely positive material, something was still getting in the way—it was my subconscious expectation to ignore the pain.

So, as a means to clear the air with myself, I recognize my need to be honest and acknowledge that sometimes that includes uncomfortable realities and contradicting sentiments. Moving forward, I will share stories and drawings from a place of permission. May I return to this page whenever I need reminding of that.

Playing with shadows.
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