Courage

Standing up and the aftermath

This is the first time (ever) that I show up in front of the camera for one of my Instagram stories.

This is a big deal because I consciously tend to hide behind the camera to avoid exposing myself. Not out of shyness (because we all know that’s not true) but out of fear.

For a very long time I have believed that I cannot speak up, stand up for myself, or share my own opinion. That it would be best if I quieted, never said a word, because I wasn’t supposed to. That even if I tried, it would all prove futile.

All of this stems from childhood trauma, living in an environment that reiterated this message over and over. Yet now that I am out, it still haunts me in the form of fear.

More and more, in these last two weeks, I have seen how much my fearful self tends to get in the way. Although she is only trying to help, there is no need for survival anymore. That reality is gone.

The aftermath of my session.

So now I get to pick up the pieces of both my responses to life and my tutorial. Now, I am off to go watch A Ghost Story. Suiting, isn’t it?

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encouragement

Corazón cantante

Algo que mejoró mi día fue escuchar a Silvana Estrada cantar en vivo en Instagram este miércoles pasado. Como varios músicos durante esta cuarentena, Silvana cantó desde la comodidad de su casa, llegando a las salas de sus escuchantes. Yo andaba en mi cuarto y acababa de terminar mi trabajo cuando me topé con su video en vivo. Sin querer, estaba a tiempo.

Con tan solo escucharla tocar, mi corazón se alegró de una forma inesperada. Sentí una emoción correr dentro de mí que casi me hacía llorar. El sonido del cuatro y la letra de sus canciones invocaron un sentimiento profundo, parecido al momento cuando recuerdas algo que habías olvidado desde hace mucho tiempo.

Fue un encuentro no tan solo con la música, pero con algo de mí misma. Me reencontré con la idea de que yo también puedo ser como ella, no en el mundo musical si no en el ámbito creativo. Que, aunque unas veces no lo vea, yo también puedo reflejar esa luz.

Aquí Silvana canta “Carta,” una de mis canciones favoritas suyas.

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collage, humor

Dead men tell no tales

Three weeks ago, Katherine and I stayed behind at the office to work on our presentations that were due the following week. To burn the midnight oil and keep on track, we’d call each other every now and then to see how we were doing.

Once 9:30 p.m. rolled around, I picked up the phone, dialed Katherine’s extension and, without greeting, said, “Man, working at the State House feels like Davy Jones’s locker.” We laughed. Because it was true.

As we chatted, I pictured the Flying Dutchman from Spongebob Squarepants hovering over the State House in his green menacing glow, causing us to stay back and miss our journey home.

I took to making a rendition of it that night, drawing only the building and gluing in the Dutchman. I added the wash of green and flower clouds later on this weekend.

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humor

Laundry woes

I was downstairs in the dining room when I noticed that the house was oddly quiet. Low and behold, I forgot to set the washer, leaving my clothes soaking for more than an hour (we have an old school Maytag).

My mind immediately thought of this scene in The Emperor’s New Groove, which pretty much sums up how the conversation went inside my head. It seems I have an affinity toward this movie. This is my second meme in reference to it.

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haiku

Stuccoed sky

One of my favorite things today, a haiku I wrote while looking up at the ceiling.

I was lying on the floor, listening to music, feeling stuck. I looked up and began seeing images in the midst of the textured ceiling. I spotted what looked like an older man and another that looked like the skeleton of a dog’s head.

I saw the resemblance of this evening with that of a summer’s day. Yet these clouds did not move. I counted syllables and wrote a haiku.

like the clouds above
the ceiling holds figures too
while I lie here

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haiku

Haiku queue

It wasn’t cabin fever that pushed me to go outside today, but rather my frustration with a work assignment that did. I needed to get out and walk.

As I made my way back home, I came up with the following description: Went on a much needed walk and came across spring. It turns out the description can be split into two stanzas, seven syllables and five syllables, respectively. I was onto a haiku without knowing it.

It’s interesting how I always seem to come up with the last two stanzas of a haiku and always have trouble with the first. It happens to me often. I know I have a list of unfinished haiku somewhere.

despite all of this
went on a much needed walk
and came across spring

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quick write

A budget, analyzed

I’m afraid I’ve been overthinking my blog posts lately, and I seem to be stuck. So here’s a Dilbert cartoon my coworker Amanda introduced me to the other day that summarizes our job quite well.

I laughed just now thinking about how odd it is that I’m a budget analyst by profession. Even now it doesn’t make sense. It’s quite hilarious, actually.

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